you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
