And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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