Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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