she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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