Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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