Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
