I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
