Banned from zoo.
Again?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
