So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
