i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize