3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize