He is an equal opportunity slut.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
