Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
