Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
