are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
