the condom got lost in my hair
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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