Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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