She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
