see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
