I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
