i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize