I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
