i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
