I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
this is an emotional support booty call
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize