You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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