I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
