Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
