Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
