I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
