we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize