she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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