There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
