Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
