Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
