You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
