I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
