I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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