alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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