ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
