He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
