her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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