I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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