I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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