I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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