JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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