He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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