You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Randomize
