brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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