I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
