it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
