I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
