cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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