I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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