i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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