yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i can't believe i had my finger in that
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
