what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
