you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I want her autograph on my taint
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
