I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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