I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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