how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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