took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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